Thoughts on Married Life

As Adam and I close on our sixth month of marriage, I thought I’d share some of what I’ve learned about marriage itself and relationships in general. 

First, a couple truths about married life.

1.) Being married is NOT a magical state of existence where all your problems disappear and you live in wedded bliss forever. Insecurities, anxieties, resentments, jealousy, halitosis—all still there.

2.) Being married does NOT mean that you have your life figured out, or that you know what you will be doing in a week, a year or 5 years.  I’m usually lucky if I know what I’m cooking for dinner on a given day.  

3.) Being married does NOT make you instantly feel like a real grown up. In fact, you may still occasionally have yearnings to revert to a younger version of yourself without so many responsibilities.  Adam and I both suffered from this while we were home for Christmas.

4.) Being married does NOT mean that you are free of doubts about yourself and the path you are on and how to make and find meaning in this world we live in. I think this is just part of the existential quandary that is being in your twenties.   Yes, there are a few people who seem to have everything figured out and live doubt free.  Good for them.  (I have a feeling that if you dug beneath the surface a bit, you’d find some insecurity.)

5. )Being married DOES meant that you get to spend the majority of your time (including all those moments agonizing over 1-4) with your favorite person in the whole world.  And amidst all the worrying and uncertainty and unpredictability  of everything around you, you have one amazing constant. That, friends, is a gift.

I love being married. I might even say that the past 5 ½ months have been some of the happiest, most contented months of my life. That is not to say that they have been free of sadness or anger or bitterness or heartbreak. Those low moments that occur in relationships—definitely still there. BUT the high moments outshine the low ones about ten thousand to one.  

In fact, my biggest challenge has been to stay present, to stay in the moment.  I have this terrible tendency in the midst of the good moments, the REALLY good moments, to let dark thoughts creep in. (Thankfully after reading some Brene Brown,  I know this is a universal problem)  These dark thoughts usually come in one of two ways: 1) I envision something really bad happening that would ruin the moment. (Like getting hit by a car, which actually happened to me once!) or  2.) I worry we won’t be this happy forever.  Isn’t that crazy? Instead of fully enjoying the happiest moments of my marriage, I’m tainted by worry that this happiness won’t last. That in 5 or 10 years we won’t feel this way about each other. 

Anyway, my goal lately, and  one that I will continue into the new year, is to soak in the happiness of the present moment (being kissed in the kitchen, lying in bed listening to the rain outside, looking across the table at my husband on a random Tuesday date night) and to push away those nagging worries.  Part of the burden of having a “type A” personality is that we’re so busy planning/obsessing over our next activity that we forget to enjoy the present moment.

I think one of the greatest benefits I’ve seen in marriage so far is that it forces you be less selfish.  As much as we are hardwired to think otherwise, this is a universal truth: It’s not all about you. It’s just not. 

If you’re doing it the right way, I think marriage should kick your butt in that it forces you to put the needs of someone else above your own.  I’m not advocating for a “whipped,” spineless husband or a totally submissive, self-effacing wife, but if both people truly put the needs of their beloved above their own, magic happens.  And by magic, I mean grace, which is a beautiful, life-altering, soul-fulfilling thing.

While it should be our constant desire to put our loved one’s needs above our own, we’re human, so we’re going to screw up a good bit of the time. In navigating this balance of self/husband, I’ve learned two pieces of advice that may apply to other relationships:

1.)  Choose someone who is a better person than you are.

 2.)  You don’t always have to have the last word.

If number 1 is a given, number 2 comes a lot easier. Most of the time I fail at number 2, but two experiences recently have helped me learn why it’s so important.

Adam and I were arguing about something. I don’t even remember what it was now, but I do remember that I was angry that he hadn’t done the dishes.  From my embittered, self-righteous anger, I had said a couple spiteful things. (Most of which probably stemmed from my own insecurity)  I was right on the verge of making some other snippy comment about the dishes not being done, but I waited. I held my tongue.  And you know what Adam did? Even though he was angry at me? The dishes.  It was amazing, and it never would have happened if I had the last word.

Another day Adam came home late from work and I was in bed with a bad cold. One thing you have to know about me is that sometimes I am very needy. I mean annoyingly, disgustingly, exhaustingly needy. Adam, bless his heart, puts up with this, and when I have a cold, my neediness factor multiplies tenfold. As soon as he walked into the bedroom that day, I whined about my stuffy nose and my cough and asked him to come snuggle with me.   “Look, I haven’t even taken my jacket off yet!” he said, more brusquely than my overly-emotional sick self could handle.  I was on the verge of tears and had about ten things I wanted to say back to him. He changed his clothes and walked out of the room.

In my head, I composed a litany of comebacks ranging from “How could you just walk away like that!” to “Are you not even going to come give me a kiss??”  Maybe because I was showing some self-restraint, or maybe because the cold was slowing down my brain cell reaction time, I didn’t say anything. I just waited.  If I were Adam, at this point, I probably would have closed the door behind me, grabbed a beer, and sat on the couch to watch t.v.  This is why it’s so important to love someone who is a better person than you, because once again, you know what he did? He came back with a cup of tea and crackers, crawled into bed next to me, kissed me on the forehead, and told me to go to sleep, which is really what I needed all along.